Hot Tip Number eight is about the way we communicate with the person that we love, particularly if we’re unhappy.
So many of us stay in our headspace, instead of communicating from the heart when we have conflict, discussions about the stuff that matters to us, or the issues that are annoying us. But what we’re actually having a conversation about is the irritations, the day to day stuff that gets in the way, instead of dropping down into what that day to day stuff actually represents to us, and why it’s a problem in our relationship.
For example, if you have ongoing conflict with your partner about why can’t he pick up his dirty socks and undies off the bedroom floor, and he never does it? What happens is, we just constantly keep saying, “Why can’t you do that? Why can’t you do that? Please do that.”
We end up feeling completely unheard because we’ve asked them a million times, and they still don’t do it.
If we move out of that, this is the behavior that’s upsetting us and instead express it like this.
“Sweetheart, I know we keep talking about this. And you know what, itt is about the socks and undies, but it’s more about the fact that I’ve asked you continuously to pick your socks up. When you don’t, it actually makes me feel like you don’t care about my feelings. It makes me feel like you take me for granted and that what’s important to me doesn’t matter.”
That’s actually the stuff that hurts – can you hear the difference? When we keep saying “Pick up your socks and undies,” all they hear is nag, nag nag.
When we drop into our heart and talk about how that behavior makes us feel, that’s when their heart can open up. That’s when we can genuinely connect over something that’s meaningful.
Whilst that may not have been the greatest example, I hope you’re getting the message that it’s not the thing. It’s about whatever that thing or behaviour makes you feel.
If you can communicate from that place (from your heart), and allow the vulnerability of your feelings to be communicated to your partner, you may find that’s the opening you need to take your communication to a deeper level and to have what is bothering to you to be heard for the first time through fresh eyes.
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